free fallin' and breaking even.

THANK you GOD.
Thank you EAT.PRAY.LOVE.
Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert.
Thank you Julia Roberts.


"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)



I feel so free now. After months and yep months of experiencing some conflicted feelings, i finally was able to let go of it and I'M HAPPY.


Yesterday while watching eat, pray, love, i had an epiphany. I wondered why I'm spending some of my time thinking about that thought (or perhaps in the context of feeling if ever there was) over and over again.


Some months and months ago, God blessed me to have this wonderful friend. I was indeed happy that we did share a lot of commonalities, interests and dreams. I could tell and rant about everything and anything to that person. We would talk everyday and i guess got to know each other well enough. I never did thought of any possibility that perhaps there could be more than what we had because i was already happy of what we had, friendship. And I do value that. But after months of talking, there was a confession. It was awkward for me at first but i was glad that things got back to normal nevertheless. I think too he tried to make it not as awkward as possible and i'm thankful for that. :)


There was this point though, when we stopped communicating. And i thought to myself, well it's okay, i absolutely have no problem with that. But then again, i had this feeling deep in my gut that i miss it, the communication. You see, when someone talks to you everyday without a miss, it becomes your everyday routine or habit. So, i asked myself WHY i miss it, is there any reason besides that it is already a part of my day, like if i had some feelings or something. But as always, i just shrug my shoulders and say i don't think so. Maybe i just don't want to accept the truth that there COULD be (again I'm not saying there is, but there is a possibility). And just like that, I was conflicted if there exists something more. I can't completely say if i do or do not have feelings because all i know is that i don't know. Or maybe i really did have? HMM. HAHAA. sigh.


In the movie, when Gilbert's Brazilian lover asked her if she loves or does not love him, and she just said that she doesn't know. AND AHA. I can sympathize with her. (though, in my case it didn't reach that level yet haha, i'm just figuring it out first). It's all mere confusion.


SOOOOO that leads me now to my epiphany.
I slept at 2am last night thinking it over, and asking God if i really did made up my mind. And I'm glad He answered my prayers. Because now, it is all completely clear and I'm finally a freed captive of my conflicted feelings.


I realized that i did not have any of those feelings after all. I do not want to be part of the world he surrounds himself with. After thinking sometime, we are just too different. So there's no more possibility of crossing over. :) I accepted him for who he is though. And I appreciate it. Though, there are some things he does i don't completely agree on, and that-- i know is wrong. And I still saw past that and hope that there still exists that lasting goodness. Because i really do believe that everyone has that, it just gets tainted because of the demands and pleasures of the world. So in everyone i meet, i always try to see the goodness they have in them. And, that's what exactly i did. I clung to the hope that the innocence and goodness in him overpowered everything else.. that it still prevailed. And so maybe it did.


until lately, he did change. And its sad that i can't anymore try to be open and see past those not so good stuff. Yeah, i know we are all different. And i don't mean to offend anyone at all, its just that i think i pressure myself too much in being too optimistic in hoping that there is something else and more. And like what Elizabeth Gilbert says, she's been a victim of her own optimism. That is exactly what happened to me too. So, YAY I'm not the only one in the world who has this kind of perspective. haha. :)


Well, we can't control anybody. And change is acceptable because it's inevitable. But i don't think its an excuse to abandon who you really are as a person. But as hard as it sometimes feel, all we have really is hope. So I'm glad that my heart and mind is already put at rest and I'm happy that somehow despite everything, i still have that valued and respected friendship. :)


And so as for the rest and the next days of my life? I leave it all up to God. He will write me the best love story of my life. So for now, all i'll have to do-- is wait.
:)


because miracles DO happen.
♥

where is the LOVE?

image from thingsweforget.blogspot.com:)


I think it's a tough tough thing to find love. To love and Be loved.
Love doesn't necesarrily only pertains to the usual perception that it's just all about those loveydovey boyfriend stuff. Love's extent is more than that. So scrap those thoughts.


And with all the drama experiencing by my family now, it involves that issue. How do we really show our love? I mean like me, I'm not really that type of being mushy and all. I show my love by just doing all means to make the person I love the most happy. I know I'm doing my part if i'm giving my best, my heart, my everything to that person. I don't think that 3 words 8 letters is the only way to affirm that feeling.




So anyway, it just saddens me. Failed family relationships. I don't understand. Even if I'm not that type of mushy person (like i said), I always find away STILL to show them that I love them so at least even if I don't say out loud those 3 words 8 letters, the person KNOWS.. AT the very LEAST.


How can you not show love? It's just impossible. Humankind is destined to love and be loved. God gave all of us that wonderful gift.. that capacity to be able to CARE. It is something already innate in all of us. What's so hard in showing just THAT?


So in the issue of my cousin and her mother, how the whole cycle of the give and take of love is hazy...


I really hope they resolve their issues. Both sides should give way to each other. It'll take time to heal and to ease the pain... I know, but there should at least be effort to mend the broken relationship and glue the shattered pieces of the heart.


IF only I could tell my auntie this:
(name insert here), I hope talaga na bigyan mo din ng chance ang sarili mo. There's nothing wrong in trying in reaching out. And iyong gusto mo mangyari na maayos na lahat AGAD sobrang impossible iyon. Paano magiging OKAY ang lahat if you don't do your part as the mom?:( If you don't first reach out to your son? If you don't respond? Paano matatapos ang problema kung palaging okay lang okay na sige tingnan nalang natin kung anong mayayari? kung if you continue the bahala na attitude? FACE IT nalang dapat. Wala naman talaga pang hero na magsasave sa relationship niyo kung di rin ikaw, actually sa buong family ninyo..Nothing will happen unless you MAKE something happen. Hindi ko maiintindihan, the same way na pinagsabihan mo si dad? about the whole changing process, the same way na sinabi mo sa amin na it takes time.. bakit hindi mo rin iyon magawa kay (cousin's name insert here). He needs some space, some time to asses kung ano nafefeel niya. For 18 years, He didn't really grow up with you. And now na bigla your trying to mend everything yes its correct at least your trying pero ang weird kasi parang minamadali mo eh:( tapos parang ang tigas mo pa din kung minsan. Kung di mo din mapapafeel sa kanya na love mo siya that you care for him, how will he know? You know naman na hurt na siya and nagtatampo na siya. He just need that love that solace that HOME to always go back to. And dahil hindi nga nya nafeel sayo, nahanap niya kay mom ko. Sa mommy ko, and now na depress nga siya and all, dinideprive niyo naman. Dapat give and take lang:) God has a reason why siguro nagaminan na lahat. Its in your hands din naman the decision kung what you want to do with the whole issue thing. It's hard to accept I know, your hurt, pero face the truth. I hope kahit di ka rin mushy like me, kaya mo naman siya i-hug eh, or at least makamusta so kahit papano, he FEELS your existence as HIS mom.
:) diba? It's impossible na you won't know how to LOVE, and how to SHOW IT. maybe you just don't have the courage to do it? Or maybe I don't know you have the humility that you are wrong too?:( Ang sakit tanggapin lahat pero dapat hindi lang dapat iyak at katigasan ang response eh. I know you KNOW what's right to DO. Pero why di mo nalang magawa?:( You said you love him, then do your part and make him feel na HE IS LOVED. He is YOUR son anyway db? God teaches us to love like Christ love us. Kahit gaano pa kahirap. Look nalang at 1 corinthians 13. :) I hope (auntie's name here) God will guide you through pa din. And hope na maaccept mo lahat and change din for the better. Di mo rin pwede lagay sarili mo, lahat ng isang tao sa isang box lang. Hindi kayo makakagrow. :(
-message ends here-


UGGH. How sad, I don't know how to comfort my cousin anymore. He is in one tough stage of depression. He once said He wants a home but he can't find any. :( He's lost.


So it just boils down to this,
"stay in good terms with each other, held together by love." HEBREWS 13:1

Where's THE LIMIT?

FINALLLLLY. After one and a half hour trying to fix the annoying internet, the page finally loaded. THANK YOUU. The internet is getting kinda crappy these days. It starting on its mood swings. tsktsk.


alright. Here's what I realized: After going out of the house yesterday at weee hours of the morning, I went home late. Suffice to say, as much as felt so tired and worn out I still couldn't fall asleep immediately. I ended up either staring at the ceiling or trying to watch the movie on HBO, which was P2 (i never liked that movie EVER.)This is precisely why today I'm so tired. Oh no no no, not only the "oh i feel so tired" blahblah BUT REALLY TIRED. My eyes are getting droopy, my mind is not functioning well, my body just lost its coordination, my stomach getting weird which made me not eat anything much for the whole day. (half a burger, auntie annes and just rice & fish--> not my normal meals for THE WHOLE DAY. :( )


Tired, because last night I was able to go to a comedy bar FIRST TIME EVER. I was afraid they wouldn't let me in because I'm not even legal yet (YETTT. :> in a few weeks or so I will--> which by the way scares me and excites me at the same time). But, turns out they let me in. So okay. haha.


SO. Here's my comments on going to a comedy bar


NUMBER ONE.
Here's what I realized, if you don't want them to tease you (oh mind you, yes obviously its a comedy bar, so what do you expect? GAY people, which only means HEAVY TEASING and GREEN mind machines.. I know I know, not all gay people are like that BUT since we're talking about a comedy bar here HELLO go figure.. haha)
So in short if you don't want to be heavily teased? Don't ever sit in front. It's a HEAVY WARNING.


NUMBER TWO.
Seriously, I think staying there for that whole duration of 3 hours made me second guess my life span dream of living here on earth until I reach the age of 95. I bet in 10 years or so I will officially get lung cancer due to heavy second hand smoking. I'm so annoyed. But HAHA, hello, what can I do I just entered a bar . OBVIOUSLY HAHAAA.


I've always hated cigarette smoking. No thank you, I never tried, I don't want to try and nope I don't even plan to. I don't get why people waste their savings buying those useless stick of junk. Not to mention, DEADLY. Every cigarette stick you use lessens an hour of your life man. (well at least that's how I put it) But yeah. I do hate it. So for the whole duration of the comedy acts, all i can inhale was THAT filthy air. So yes, I went home with my hair and my clothes smelling like ack.. THAT. :| I had to do my soaping routines five times to reassure myself that the smell's gone.


NUMBER THREE.
Comedy Bar. Yes, no doubt. The acts WERE funny, really they were. I was laughing hysterically. BUT, not for all. I think some of the jokes they have were too harsh. In one part of the act, they selected 3 men from the audience and asked them to go up on stage. The third man that they asked really receives my pity. By far really, he was the most pityful of them all. The gay guys and a GIRL comedian was teasing him harshly of his looks, of his profession (yeah.. because they interviewed and asked questions to each person who's up the stage). And I can't believe the people were laughing so hard as if they are agreeing to all the jokes that's been said to the poor guy.


Well, I don't want to be a hypocrite. In all honesty, I did laugh. But like I said, not all. :(


NUMBER FOUR.
I didn't understand 70% of what they were saying last night. For the record, most of their jokes are heavy green. OH MY POOR MIND. It wasn't able to register the things that they were saying. Most of what they were laughing about, I really didn't understand. And no thanks, by the looks of it, I DON'T WANNA KNOW. My mind is just polluted enough. I need a new mind filtering system. Don't worry, I chose to forget what they have just said or joked about last night.


NUMBER FIVE.
Here's what I really DON'T get. Don't the comedians up there have ever respect for themselves and the people (yesss it's their job.. but STILL.. VALUES PRINCIPLES STILL APPLIES DUDE.) For the heavy jokes they dropeed or the unaccpetables acts they have just shown, I just wonder if they still have the conscience to hopefully counteract their actions. And don't they have any other words to say other that saying the word PI, the f word and the g word?


NUMBER SIX.
For some acts, I literally covered my eyes. No, nothing THAT serious or anything.
But for the props and the actions that they were doing, NO THANKS.
I didn't see anything.
And I chose to not see anything at all.


NUMBER SEVEN.
The only that I liked though were the subtle jokes of the one comedian "pooh" and the other foxy lady's act of impersonating beyonce. In those parts, I was laughing out LOUD.


NUMBER EIGHT.
BOTTLED WATER ONLY THANK YOU.:)
Though, i had a sip of vodka since mom let me taste it.
I'd rather let my mom be the one introducting these stuff to me other than some people. haha


NUMBER NINE.
I don't know if I'm ever going back to those kinds of bars again.
Unless
a) i do want my life span to be shortend
and
b) get some green machine penetrate into my poor innocent brain. (HAHA)


NUMBER TEN.
But hey, I'm still thankful (despite my bitter complains and comments) that i got to experience it-- even at least once. Once is enough? :)


_____________________________________________________________________________________


oh wait:) before I sign off, the pictures up there that you see was found at this AMAZING blog site where he makes all these inspiring cute post-its and uploads it. These post-its as he says, "left to their place in public faces."


check out the blog: thingsweforget.blogspot.com


I absolutely love his idea. It's like leaving an act of random kindness every time. :)


awesome.


that's all for today.
peace&love.
:)

BREATHING UNDERWATER

"cause the enemy has been defeated, and death couldn't hold you down...
shout unto God with the voice of triumph
shout unto God with the voice of praise
shout unto God with the voice of triumph
we lift your name up, we lift your name up."


Bye bye April, hello month of may.
Well, in about five days anyway. :)


I cannot really say I'm quite excited for the coming days of may. I'm in a sad mood because we are not pushing through with our plans to go to Seattle anymore, to see my lovely aunt walk down the aisle on her special day ever. I won't be able to have a ultimate bond with my cousin too. I miss them all just too much. I guess it's not really in His time and plan. Originally, the decision was no. We weren't supposed to go in the first place. But then my ama goes and meets with father, father gets convinced, father says yes. Thus, makes all of us go jumping for joy. THEN BAAAAM, pooof poof poof, decision plan pops immediately when father and mother finds out through the agency they talked to that it's unpractical for us to go since my youngest twin brothers' passports are going to expire this year, this only meant that applying for an U.S. visa will be harder (WELL, that's what they said). All of our visas are expired and if we were to renew, they might give us only a month duration to stay there since they'll see two of our family members will get their passports expired by the month of December this year of 2010. SO MUCH FOR THE PLAN. :( BUT, dad said we might go December instead. After first all the passports are renewed then off to the application of the U.S. visas.


NEVERTHELESS, I have been really thinking a lot why. As, cliche as it sounds, everything has its own reasons. So, I've been doing a lot pondering lately on why exactly does He wants us to stay here for May. I mean, sure there's the preparation for my debut birthday. (WELL, that's another *cough cough* interesting story to tell. :S) But, aside from that (which i don't really care that much anyway because in the first place i really did not want to have one anyway) i couldn't still exactly decipher the big puzzle he laid out to me..i mean WHY. Until it finally dawned on me yesterday when we went out with my angkong and ama, my cousin surprised me by telling me that her mom-slash-my aunt already paid for an all expense retreat for my whole family. YUUUP, the whole 7 of us PLUS 1 (she even paid extra for our helper). My aunt knows how i love retreats. Well, go figure because i never attended a single one. Hence, which explains I want to go to a retreat that bad. I wasn't able to attend a single one because my parents simply just says no. I'm not exactly sure why, i feel like they don't trust me. They say all these reasons but it doesn't make that much sense to me. One mainly i don't get it since those retreats i wanted to go to before ARE camps from OUR CHURCH. And besides, I really really really want to be baptized already (I'm a protestant and mom said i was baptized under the catholic way but i was never one, i practiced protestantism ever since). And now yes, I'm very very exuberant about this and my heart is just about to do a 360 degrees flip UNTIL my mom told me she haven't told my dad anything about it yet. You see, my dad isn't really a fan of following schedules of other people (yes yes, especially this is a family retreat we are talking about). He doesn't want to live on others' time table or he'll feel like he'll be in jail or something. No, I'm not exaggerating I already heard that before. So on the flip side of my heart jumping for joy, I'm worried on how my dad's going to take the news of the whole retreat thing. I just wonder what reaction he'll show. And who's going to break the news for him? I DON'T KNOW. I just really hope he won't take it badly as he usually does before. I think THIS might just be the reason why He, my wonderful Father up there, wants my family to stay here. Oh, I'm sure I'll be there on that retreat (yes, with my mom and my four other siblings and oh yes with the helper too haha), but oh please I really pray that my dad would come too. Pastor Peter Tan-chi will be there to cover the event and do all his wonderful inspiring speeches, and hopefully the baptism part will be done too. It will be a life-changing moment. I know it. My other auntie and her family will be there too. My other cousin and his family will be there too. Our rooms I found out are probably near each other too. AND the retreat will be held on a beach!Oh, How wonderful. I love beaches. I wonder if there's a dawn watch or something. I'm already thinking of walking along the shoreline alone and share my footsteps with Him while in solitude prayer. :)


This is a good thing. WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.:)
It's an auspicious sign from Him.
MAYBE, just maybe this might just change EVERYTHING. :)
STILL, I hope my dad will be able to attend. (without fuss, without complains, and without his grumpy mood on, the only thing he'll be bringing is his faith and open heart.)


______
currently 10:55 PM (a couple more minutes until my mom starts shouting at me for sleeping late. OH NO), I'm supposed to be reviewing integrated science and biology right now for college review stuff. OH SHOCKS. I should stop ranting and start reading.