The gray areas.

I cried.


Just because I couldn't take it anymore. I don't really know what exactly to do. I hate being depressed- no scratch that just sounds too suicidal. -- sad. there. sad.


I hate reading the contents of my blog because it all just seems so sad, like I'm such an emo person who would cry herself to sleep. Which believe me, is the total opposite. I'm a VERY VERY HAPPY GIRL!.


But. I'm sorry I couldn't really shake of the negativity people. (or if anyone is even reading this) It's just that I feel so empty, its as if there is always something missing.


And that something missing is art.


Yes, the missing puzzle to all my dilemma right now is art.


(don't I just sound so cliche?)


(shallow?)


But the thing is I feel like giving up, like nothing is really working out RIGHT right now.


Family is messed up, cycle is starting again. I'm messed up. What's more to lose right?


1) So here, I'll start first with the family shiz.
Dad started it again. And I hate seeing my mom cry every time because of the pain he always inflicts on her, on our whole family. Why does he have to be so rash and impulsive in all of his decisions? Why does he always think first of himself? Why does he have to do such shameful acts? Isn't he ashamed of himself? .. I am ashamed for him. He let me down again-- again-- and again... and again.
I've put my heart out again, hoping for something, I gave a piece of it, and he returned it broken.(haha emo much?)


hmm. Questions? Did I lose my respect? maybe. But I'm trying not to. Will I still ever forgive him? maybe, there is always a chance. But as of now, I really do not know. Do I still have hope in him? Yes, but in a totally different perspective-- That the only way for him to change is for us to be out of the picture. So that he can get by on his own.


This is my theory. That God is starting on his Plan B for him. Plan A did not work-- obviously. He went back to his dirty scheming lying ways. But all I know right now is that God is at work. Whatever He wants to happen will happen.


Though the question remains, when will it ever end? Like really END. No more band-aid solutions, no more detours. Just a dead end. When will everything just be done?  When will we have peace? When can we live experiencing a normal happy family? Sure, it's a fact! A given, nothing is ever perfect. But there are things that are still close to it somehow.


Right now, I wish for a pain reliever. (see I do sound emo hahaa!) Pain reliever mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually! All aspects!


2) So off to number 2. I couldn't really say this to anyone for that matter. I'm not much of a ranter to people. Okay maybe I am but nothing deep. More of the shallow, "Yeah, I'm tired." "Yuup, I know right, this sucks yadda yadda"


I don't want to because I don't really want to disturb them. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be another addition to their other pile of problems. I don't want to whine (Fine, I do, but only in writing.)


So there. Today, I feel really stupid for crying. After watching the Junior Masterchef. I KNOW. Err, Suddenly I just burst into tears. Yes, do you have that moment? Where in you just suddenly immediately feel your eyes swelling up? With no reason at all? Well, I just had that moment.


But after thinking about it. I realized why. HAHA. (Now I'm laughing, I'm emo. and I'm bipolar. great. no nah. I'm joking,) Anyway, I realized how completely jealous I am. REALLY REALLY jealous. Why? Because they are doing what they really love to do. They put their heart and soul into it. Every thing they set on that plate is their hearts, their hearts sent out to the world. They do everything with passion with happiness. And Believe me, I've been really thinking it over. I'm not a person who would easily give up. I'm a fighter-- at all cost. But lately, I just feel so discouraged, so out of the zone, so out of it. If there's one thing right now, I really want to do, is to get away. To escape. To just grab my pen and moleskine notebook, and just discover places. write. eat. draw.


I miss getting paint all over my clothes.
I miss getting paint all over my hands. I miss the pentel pen markers, my ball point pens, the cartoon characters that I draw, the shoes that I painted, doodling, paint brushes, sketchbook, an empty canvas, murdering my hands for drawing the whole day--everything. I miss everything. I cried because I realized that I'm still looking for something. I always comfort myself with the thought that one day after finishing my course (The totally unrelated course to what I really want- Hello Management of Applied Chemistry). I thought I already made it clear to myself, that after surviving this course (if i do in that case), I will go for my dream now. But seeing all art related books dusting away at my shelf, I cried. I cried because I lack the time to actually use them and start drawing. I cried when I saw my moleskine on the table --beside the radiating grueling doom of my chem book. I cried because I realized that no matter how I try to stay fit for this course, it still isn't enough. The sleepless nights, the endless practices I try to do, it still doesn't seem to match up with the results I get from the tests. It's not like I don't study. Like i said.."SLEEPLESS NIGHTS"


I just really want to pass, to get a good score, go jta, travel the world, draw, experience life.


To live instead of existing.
To do instead of just believing.
To act instead of just waiting.


I'm one heck of a dreamer. I want to do great things. But where will I exactly start?


All I can think about right now is my means of surviving college.
How I'm going to ace a test (pleasepleasepleaseplease) or compose a succinct and concrete essay.
How I'm going to be a good leader, example, a block rep for my colleagues. (colleagues? GAH haha I sound old.)
How I'm STILL not giving up. (I'm a complex person am I? I have a huge desperation to quickly pursue a degree in art but at the same time, my wanting to stay still at my course (?) and do my best to graduate with it!)


kasdfkjs.
Life.


Just need two things right now, guidance and assurance.


I'm going to try and continue doing my part, God.
Everything else, is on you.

Today I don't feel like doing anything.

Yes, I just wanna lay in my bed.


and sleeep all day. and do nothing!


BUT NO CAN DO! Midterms season is coming up! Requirements are piling up too!
welcome to college life.


Haven't started anything and it's 2:50 pm already. Not to mention I haven't eaten anything too. And nope, I'm not trying to starve myself. I'm not even in a diet. I'm just not in the mood to eat yet. Been searching recipes online, just because I feel like making my own food today or maybe I got too obsessed watching those cooking shows (haha masterchef australia and hell's kitchen). I'm a desperate baker/cooker. hihi. I just love food. Anyway, I might make  Baked Garlic Potato Wedges, been looking through her blog for a long time and she never fails to make me drool over her yummy recipes. And a Chocolate Mug Cake for dessert. YAY. Despite feeling lazy today, I want to be productive.


TTDT (things to do today):
-bake! cook!:>
-study chem quiz for monday
-midterms for lab! advance.
-pre-lab paper* IF sir replies and says we shall submit on tuesday
- read eng11 article and do the worksheet
- do eng 11 feature article essay on a person
- GIFT FOR DADDYKINS! (still deciding!)


future must recipes to try:
 Bread Paneer Rolls
sorry--> i'm a sucker for chocolates. :) Molten Chocolate Lava Cake
Double corn and mint risotto risotto=<3
Oreo Memories (I LOVE YOU OREOES!)




k. bye. :)