PUMPKINS!

The dreamers and the realists. 

There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You'd think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists. But more often than not, the opposite is true. You see, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists... well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground. - Cameron Tucker, Modern Family. :)

Happy Thanksgiving. 

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Learning to draw different characters from Christopher Hart's Humongous book of Cartooning. 

old drawing I did for the Student Council giveaways.

doodles from moleskinne. 

Coloring outside the lines.

Simple things come from the simplest beginnings. It all starts with a single step. 




I love kids. I love their whole idea and notion of joy, simplicity and innocence. I love how they never let any single being or circumstance complicate who and what they want to be. :) I guess that's why I never get tired of them, because somehow through them I get reminded of the true meaning and essence of life itself-- to enjoy every bit and moment of it, to seize the day and take time to actually LIVE!               


So last Saturday (on November 19) was the day we've all been waiting for. It was the BLUE CHRISTMAS 2011 event! :) It's a yearly student organized charity event held at my college, Ateneo. It's basically an event dedicated for unfortunate kids, making them the ultimate stars of the day-- treating them special, playing with them, making them happy and etc. :)                                          


So there, I volunteered as a facilitator for the kids. :) 

Facilitators, Class Hosts, and the kids in our group!:)  

I woke up at 4am since the call time for the facilitators was around 5:30am till 6am. It was so early I could barely get up. I got to school at 6am (HA! Just in time hohoho) and registered. I met my fellow faci, Shelly, and off we go preparing. We sort of panicked at first because our other faci member was running late and we were worried that we won't be able to handle the 24 kids assigned to us (There are usually about 4-5 facilitators assigned per group of children).  Anyway, we decided that I'll be the jeep representative ( the one to fetch the kids at their area) while she prepares the stuff needed for our next venue. I was so confused, I didn't know where to go. I was to ride the jeepney to the area (which I absolutely have no idea where). I was so scared of getting lost that I ended up being so panicky and jittery while waiting for our 48 A Jeepney. But at the last minute! My other fellow faci (Elaine) who ran late, finally came and went with me! 

Elaine, my other fellow faci (Photo taken inside the jeep!!) 

THE SCHOOL! where we fetched the kiddies from :)

We went to Project 3 Elementary School and fetched the kiddies. After the roll call of names, instead of the supposed 24 kids we will be handling, it lessened to 23. We were so blessed that the 23 kids we handled are all active, hyper and just absolutely bright and incredibly happy. :)

The kiddies! (girls) (L-R, cherry, biancs, bangbang, ruby, daph, char, janna, suzy,  pocahontas (I like calling her that, I told her she looks like pocahontas don't you think? kiddie version), rain and charm. 

(L-R) Francis, Aj, christian, raphael aka dugong (he likes to be called that),  Jorell 

He's such a cutie don't you think? Jorell is Top 1 of his class!  :) Bright, bright kid indeed. He amused me by showing me his books. For a 10 year old kid, he reads philosophical books! (The book was entitled, What does it mean to be happy?) He also brought with him his Spanish book. He told me he wanted to learn. :) [He was able to teach me a few words!]

Sweet sweet, Paolo!:) He chose to spend his birthday with us!:) Happy Birthday kiddo! 

Raphael, a.k.a., Dugong. :)) [One of our most hyper kiddo that day!]

It's Christian! :)

                               

                                                              Francis said he wanted this to be his new DP in Facebook. 

At the jeep, on our way to Ateneo!:)

At the classroom, waiting for the activities prepared by the class hosts. :)

Ruby, the half mexican kid. :) [cool right?] [She said she wants to grow up to be an actress. :)] + Rain [the tough girl who likes pellet guns. waddap! :))]

:)

Meet my fellow faci's!:) shelly + elaine! :)

Shelly + elaine +  our other faci member! mikee

yes. because we are cool asians. harhar.

they really love the camera. hahahhaa.

Kids having fun.

THE BOYS.

The very tired BUT happy faci's!:)

Nix and I with miss juniPERRR.

Our last pictures with the kiddies before sending them off!:(

Funny how God really works in mysterious ways. That same week, the sunday message was all about being radical. It's all about going outside the norm, building on your principles, starting something right, having an advocacy, evoking a simple change. And with that said, I'm glad that I was able to end my week happy by participating in this wonderful life changing event. I was bone tired, but heart happy. Looking forward to do this again. :)

You just have to try harder.

(As i opened my ever so favorite things we forget website! The recent post-it is perfect for what I'm going and feeling right now)

It's always easier said than done. Committing to something is real a tough job. 

I think I need more zeal to finish off all the things and responsibilities that I have to fulfill this semester. It's only been a few days since the start of school but I feel so drained. I don't want to do anything school related anymore. I'm not entirely sure if the reason of such is because of my lack of passion and drive for my course. I've made my choice and I'm going to stick to it. I'm not really much of a quitter. I know I have to take this course for my family and well for practicality-- even if my love for arts far outweighs them all. So for now, I don't really have much choice left but to stay and strive harder.

Sometimes I feel so frustrated at myself on why I handle things this particular way or on why I always feel so small about myself. I see myself as strong. However, I can't help the times where in I feel so incredibly weak-- that all my doing is not enough. I'm no genius, but I think I'm smart enough to work my butt off? :( 

I was finding inspiration when I came across Bo Sanchez' blog ( We don't have the same specific religion though, he's a catholic, I'm a Born again Christian. But we love the same God- - and well, he has really good posts!) He said..

 "The older I get, the more I believe that commitment is the magic sauce of all success. It’s the secret ingredient. There can be no success without commitment.

What is commitment?

       Let me throw away complicated and boring definitions. Let me give you my very simple, homespun, easy-to-understand definition: Commitment is doing the hard stuff. 

All success comes from doing the hard stuff."

" God Cannot Fully Use You Without Commitment

Let me give you an analogy. 

You’re the boat. God’s power is the wind that will push the boat. And your commitment is the sail of the boat. It’s your commitment that catches the power of God. 

The power of God is always available to you.

But are you using that power?

Mind you, without the sails, the wind can still push the boat. But it’ll be very slow. It’s your commitment that uses the power of God to do great things.

God cannot fully use a person who isn’t committed.

Do you want to do great things?

Be committed to your dreams.

Every success in the world happens because of commitment.

Henry Ford is known as one of the richest men in history. But five times in his life, the man failed in business and became totally bankrupt. But Henry Ford didn’t stop. He kept doing the hard stuff. Finally, he built the Ford Motor company—now the second biggest carmaker in America. What made Henry Ford succeed? Commitment.

Rowland Macy failed in 7 businesses. Can you imagine how depressing that was? But he had commitment. He didn’t stop. Finally, he built a store named Macy’s in New York. The rest is history. Macy’s is now the largest department store in the world. It has 800 giant stores in America. What made Rowland Macy build his store after failing 7 times? Commitment.

Col. Sanders was rejected 1009 times by restaurants who didn’t like his fried chicken recipe. He later built KFC,which has 20,000 restaurants all over the world. What made Col. Sanders go knocking on the doors of 1009 restaurants, selling his fried chicken recipe? Commitment.

Stephen King submitted his book manuscripts to 30 publishers. All rejected his book. He was so discouraged, he threw away the manuscript in the trashcan. But his wife picked it up and mailed it to another publisher. They accepted it. Today, Stephen King has written 49 books and has sold 350 million copies. What made Stephen King submit his manuscript to 30 publishers? And what made his wife pick up the manuscript from the trash to submit it to one more publisher? Commitment.

Friend, it’s always commitment that will make you succeed.

Here’s another definition: Commitment is stickability amidst difficulty.

What dreams in your life have not yet come true?"

And indeed it does, which reminded me all my mini-commitments for myself (c/o the commandments I made for myself). I've been trying hard to really live it and well, most of the time it's working-- except for the do it now part because I'm still struggling with procrastination, but mostly I struggle in denial-- that I really really have to do these things even if I don't 100% like it at all. 

This is precisely why again, I'm asking God for strength and zeal for my commitments and my responsibilities. I know I cannot do this on my own. I have my own masterplan laid out. But still, I know My God has the better "masterplan" laid out for me. For now, I just really want to do my best and I want him to guide me to that. :( I hope in time, His will be revealed to me. This is one of the moments I need Him more that ever. The extent of my asking does not only pertain and limit to my studies, but more of my whole self. It's like a hodgepodge reevaluation of what and who I make myself to be, as well as the many other things I'm going dealing right now--- self issues, insecurities,school itself, my course, family issues (the usual-- dad) -- not to mention my desperation to think of some crazy way to earn money (just in case, we run off and detach ourselves from dad's control)

1 Peter 5:7.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Hebrews 10:23

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

1 Peter 1:6-8

" ⁶ In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. ⁷ These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy"

Feeling Artsy Fartsy

In line with my reading of "The Happiness Project", I finally mustered up my ball of energy to FINALLY finally clean and de-clutter my room. I'm so proud of myself, I can almost cry in happy tears. I've never felt so organized before. Gretchen Rubin was right. Organizing stuff never felt this good, not to mention fulfilling. The much more free space appearing on my cabinets and drawers here and there made me feel so incredibly happy. :) OH, and on top of all that! I rediscovered(? haha) my old drawings, priced possessions, the different letters written to me,  sentimental little things and so much more. I also was able to put away some good stuff for donations! I gave away all my little scrunchies, hair clips, pretty pins and etc. haha. They're all still in their good shape anyway, depreciated through time but still pretty and usable! haha! Siiigh. I could still remember wearing those bow clips to school on my first pre school day, till my very first day as grade 3 in my alma matter. hoho. 

So much fun reminiscing. Having said that! I would like to share more of my old sketches! (I'm so happy now, they're all tucked away safely in my clean pretty clear plastic envelope. HA! I hope it doesn't get lost this time. I vow to be more organized.) 

Here it goes!:) 

Quickie Doodle of Lucy. She looks dazed. hahaaa.

Bored Sketch two years ago. I really love drawing monsters. HOHO

Submitted a drawing proposal for SC. (Though it was not used, my other design did. I'll post that later on)

Old drawing two years ago.  

More monsters. rawr.

More recent ones? Mostly done during the summer. 

Copied from Mom's cute figurine

Scary.

I LOVE CARTOONS. I still don't know what to name these two people. haha!

I got inspired by Pocahontas' eyes.

Monster, inspired from Chicken Little? hahaa! As for the girl, I don't really know.

One of my favorite's so far. (Summer, 2011)

Sometimes, I feel like I get the "drawing juice" better flowing when I draw on clean smooth bond papers than drawing on my newly bought moleskine. :( The only trade off with me drawing on loose papers is more often than not, I lose them. :| So I thank God so much when I found almost all my favorite drawings. Anyway, I hope with my moleskine :( I can push myself to try harder and make more interesting drawings and characters. 

I'm still aiming to do finish that 30 day drawing challenge, given by my friend. And I think taking on that challenge will surely hone more my so called doodle skills. haha. I hope I'll be able to set the time. Second semester's about to start in TWO MORE DAYS! I want to focus on my studies, though at the same time, not to much. I don't want to explode middle of the semester, stressed and pulling my hair out just because I didn't have time for my art. It's still important to me. God wish me well in all my majors and subjects this sem. 

A new perspective

Hello there. 


I've recently been reading this wonderful book by Gretchen Rubin, "The Happiness Project". I never really saw myself reading a self-help kind of book. But "The Happiness Project" of Gretchen Rubin, intrigued me. Anyway, I think it's very timely that I'm reading this before the second semester of college starts (oh gah, 3 days more and counting-- I'm so not ready to go back to school yet.) 


Well, without further adieu...

:) I'm not even half of the book and yet I'm already hooked. Am I planning to start my own "happiness project"? Maybe. But for now, in line with the book's context and content. I'm inspired to do my own twelve commandments just like the writer did, after she had an epiphany moment at a city bus about finding the secret of happiness. I had my own epiphany the other night, quickly running off to my study table, getting my pad of paper and immediately jotting my random thoughts down. And here's what I've come up with: (Excuse the randomness, it was 2am and I'm not quite sure if I'm still making sense)

1) Go for the vision. Go for the goal. 

2) Don't think, just do.----> (not being impulsive, but I've learned that over contemplating something loses your act of actually doing what you want to do)


3) Always have a good perspective. (Optimism) ---> (I suck at actually being optimistic, I advice a lot of people to be and most of the times it works on them, but I can never apply my words to myself.)


4.) Love until you have nothing to give.


5) Listen. Actually listen. 


6) Don't count. 


7) Do your best, leave God the rest.


8) You reap what you sow. (I still like to think that, even if it doesn't hold precisely true for most of the grades I got in last semester, not that I failed most of them. But expected more)


9) Never expect, never assume. (Now this, holds true for a lot of things.)


10.) Be contended. 


11) Enjoy now.


12) Be more open. 


It's not arranged by any sort of order if you ask. I realized that reading through this book not only made me go for the goal of finding true happiness, but also it made me think about becoming even more as a better person than I am today. I want to improve further my growth and maturity, because somehow I think to be able to actually and truly make a difference in the lives of others, I should mirror the kind of life they should be living. I should be a person worthy to be emulated. But of course, sometimes being the goody goody is just so darn hard. Like let's say before I have my outburst, I have to think twice. 


Anyway, I'm never really good at keeping resolutions. But I hope by setting the scope of my so called version of my twelve commandments will keep me sane and good or be better at handling things. I hope this next semester will be better than the last time. I want to try even harder, and do the very best of my efforts. I'm not going to lie and say I won't procrastinate because somehow in the whole process I know I'll end up still doing it. But I'll try hard to deviate from it nevertheless. Like my 1st commandment says, I'm going for the goal. I know it'll be hard and I can never assume (as said from my ninth commandment), but I still hope I could be one of the DL's. It's still my dream, not for anyone but for myself. (OKAY OKAY fine, maybe for my grandfather (angkong) too. I want him to be happy. He really brightens up when he hears I get good grades, and the fact that he's sick (His cancer cells depleted, yes but he still holds it in his system), I want to put a good use of my time and make him proud. :) Besides that, I think getting a higher grade will increase the chances of me picking a really good school for my Junior year, in the JTA program, my school holds. I know this is quite farfetched, but it's still worth a try. I really have big dreams you know? Thinking of the future gives me the hibbie jibbies. Future's future, it holds another story for itself. SO for now, I'm trying NOT to over think and fast forward things. Though..I feel like I'm contradicting myself at some point for my saying that I'm going for my vision. Anyway, my point is that, I have this goal in mind. But for now, in the process of going through that goal and hopefully completing it, I'm going to enjoy now (eleventh commandment) and hope it's worthwhile. 


Okay. This is for now. 3:10am. (Sigh, it seems like my brain always works better at this time. I think I'm sleep deprived. Another reason why I think I should add "sleep early" to my commandments or lists of things to do. ... I'll save that for my next post, but till then. This will be as far as it goes.)


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(From now on, I'll try to include some of my random sketches per post. :). This might just be another way of pushing myself to practice drawing everyday, not that I protest against that-- I love drawing. My passion for it will never ever die. (haha how cheesy). But, making this commitment means that, I have to spend each day with accomplishments, and one of which is to have fun and make art. 

(a sketch I did I think last year-- at school. bored. HOHO)

(I can say one of my proudest so far -- I think I drew Randall from the Monster's Inc. pretty well.. not that I'm gloating. hahaa)

disappointment

my mom just told me she looks up to me as a christian.
:( and with that, im reminded that im not worthy to be emulated.
With the way im acting up right now, the way im responding to things, the way im always depressed, easily irritated and mad all the time does not give any justification for me to be a "role model".


i'm a hypocrite.


so don't call me nice. :(


in the end:( im reminded again of what I should do.


I have to set things right.

Paradoxical

Every day I'm having a war with myself. 
Every single day I wake up, I'm in an endless fight in a battlefield.


And honestly, I feel so tired. I never felt this way before. Tired of everything really. Spiritually, I think I'm caving into my decision from running from God-- which is wrong. I'm like Jonah, yes the guy from the bible. :) (Jonah 1:1-16, Jonah 2:1-10). Why, because I don't know really. I feel lost, scared and hopeless. Which is why EXACTLY a senseless person like me is ebbing away to that little world of nothingness. I hate feeling depressed. I hate feeling deprived of all the things I should be doing, should be feeling just because their fight this time affected me so much more. I hate sulking, whining (do i? :( ), and just feeling darn sad all the time. Though I really try not to show any of these pessimistic and depressing feelings at school or any where else for the matter, it still just gets harder by the time I go home. It's like when I go home, and see him, my feelings just get a thousand times magnified, feelings of shame, disgust and bitterness. I feel betrayed and cheated upon. I felt like when I put my heart on the line again, forgave my dad for what he did before, and gave him another chance to change was just taken for granted. For almost 2 years, I have struggled to find myself again. After the last fight last 2009, he knelt before me and my brothers to be a better person, husband and most of all father. But did he really? 


I live a life full of cycles. And the thing is the disease never stops. They argue, they fight, mom cries, mom goes to me ranting and crying, I go @-) and put up a front that oh that's okay.. this is just one of his crazy episodes.. wanna move out now?, she goes nah, we still have to think about our financial state if we can survive, blahblahblah fast forward, and then they get back together again, apologizing, then comes the promises that he will be better, won't do it again,... after a few months, we're back from the start, and the stupid cycle repeats itself yet again.


When will it ever stop?


I'm nineteen.


Which means that they've been together for what almost 20 years?


Ever since my childhood, I've lived through it (all the cycles, whether it involves, physical or verbal abuse, infidelity, and etc.) I have all the battle scars you can ever imagine. It's all there, all proofs of triumphs and downfalls. And in every single moment that my life turns upside down again-- like this, it never ceases to pain me that this is the reality, that this is my life. 


I know I have no right to question God. Like I said, I've been running away from my responsibilities for being a christian. Maybe, the reason why is that I'm stalling? I'm idling? or I'm making some excuse so that I won't be able to face the truth. The truth of continuing faith despite its challenges, the truth of self that I have to be strong in facing this, the truth of the bible that says what I'm doing is wrong. What makes me so emotional and so at war with myself is in itself my contradiction of feelings. Feelings that says I should hate him in all the horrid ways possible because he deserves it. After all that he did- shouting at people, treating them small, his greed, his disloyalty, his infidelities and betrayals, his lack of being a father (I'm not questioning his able to provide financially. Cause that, he gives us much more than we actually need. but other than that.... nothing more) and his selfishness.


I vowed to myself that I will never ever be like him. But with what I'm feeling and with what has happend, I feel like some effects of it are showing up and maybe I'm starting to evolve to be like him too. :(( No, not the infidelities, or the greed or anything else. But mostly maybe the selfishness. Maybe I'm selfish now. Selfish because the only bad guy here in the family now and who's against everything they're doing is me. Selfish because the only feelings put here on the line is mine and not anybody else's. They're all okay about it now I guess. But for me its so hard, I can't just revert back to normal just. like. that. It takes time, a lot of time actually, to find myself again and to be able to rise above these feelings and problems. I don't know. I feel so selfish always ranting about what I feel. I feel so selfish because I feel like every single time I talk about this stupid issue (The cycle, the contradiction of my feelings, my hiatus with God), I'm depriving people of their right- right to be happy. I don't want anyone to be affected with what I'm feeling really. I don't want anyone to be deprived of their own peace. This is why usually I always keep things to myself. But that didn't end up so good last time. So now, I'm trying my best to open up. And this is one way of opening up, blogging, writing and etc. It's so hard to boil up what you're feeling inside when on the contrary you're not even exactly sure where your feelings are going at the moment. 


The feeling of searching, the feeling of wandering is all bottled up inside. The feeling of why's is caving in to me. Like, really. Why, why does this all have to happen again? 


In the end, I just really truly just want peace. A friend of mine said that maybe at this point, I have to make peace with myself. Then I realized, yeah. maybe that is it. But how? 


Accepting isn't that easy. Just because I'm having a really tough time accepting that this has to happen again. This is my life and I have to deal with it. Sometimes I get the temptations of feeling jealousy-- seeing some other people going through life like the roadblocks and dead ends never exist at all. Maybe their just good at concealing it. I don't know. But they just all look so problem-less. The reason why its so hard for me to accept the truth is that, this has happend not only once, twice thrice-- but more than that. And every single time, I feel crushed that it was all pretend--that it was all only temporary. How would you have the courage and sincerity to forgive someone who constantly hurt you? And every time I think about this question, I remember Jesus. How could he do it? We hurt him so many times every single day and yet in His eyes, we're still worthy, we're still His children, we still have hope. We continue to hurt him through our doings and yet He still gives enough grace for us, enough mercy, enough love. 


It's just so hard. I'm so so sorry, God. :(
I don't want to fall right of the edge of this cliff. I'm seeking and taking refuge to your word once again


So at the end of it all and at the end of the day, it all boils down to our inner battle- a fight between what's wrong and what's right. The hardest part of it all is not the process of struggling and fighting. But rather it's what make out of it and the decision we have to make after that wounding battle. If we choose to overcome and triumph over it or to sulk in our downfalls, to be the conquerors of our battles or to be conquered in it, to emerge as victors or to be the victims of it. 


Romans 5:1-11
Peace and Hope

1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, wet have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And wet boast in the hope of the glory of God.3 Not only so, but wet also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!10 For if, while we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

Romans 8:18-39

Present Suffering and Future Glory

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope21 thatt the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God.

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whot have been called according to his purpose.29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

More Than Conquerors

31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."t

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,t neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.