my mom just told me she looks up to me as a christian.
:( and with that, im reminded that im not worthy to be emulated.
With the way im acting up right now, the way im responding to things, the way im always depressed, easily irritated and mad all the time does not give any justification for me to be a "role model".
i'm a hypocrite.
so don't call me nice. :(
in the end:( im reminded again of what I should do.
I have to set things right.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Paradoxical
Every day I'm having a war with myself.
Every single day I wake up, I'm in an endless fight in a battlefield.
And honestly, I feel so tired. I never felt this way before. Tired of everything really. Spiritually, I think I'm caving into my decision from running from God-- which is wrong. I'm like Jonah, yes the guy from the bible. :) (Jonah 1:1-16, Jonah 2:1-10). Why, because I don't know really. I feel lost, scared and hopeless. Which is why EXACTLY a senseless person like me is ebbing away to that little world of nothingness. I hate feeling depressed. I hate feeling deprived of all the things I should be doing, should be feeling just because their fight this time affected me so much more. I hate sulking, whining (do i? :( ), and just feeling darn sad all the time. Though I really try not to show any of these pessimistic and depressing feelings at school or any where else for the matter, it still just gets harder by the time I go home. It's like when I go home, and see him, my feelings just get a thousand times magnified, feelings of shame, disgust and bitterness. I feel betrayed and cheated upon. I felt like when I put my heart on the line again, forgave my dad for what he did before, and gave him another chance to change was just taken for granted. For almost 2 years, I have struggled to find myself again. After the last fight last 2009, he knelt before me and my brothers to be a better person, husband and most of all father. But did he really?
I live a life full of cycles. And the thing is the disease never stops. They argue, they fight, mom cries, mom goes to me ranting and crying, I go @-) and put up a front that oh that's okay.. this is just one of his crazy episodes.. wanna move out now?, she goes nah, we still have to think about our financial state if we can survive, blahblahblah fast forward, and then they get back together again, apologizing, then comes the promises that he will be better, won't do it again,... after a few months, we're back from the start, and the stupid cycle repeats itself yet again.
When will it ever stop?
I'm nineteen.
Which means that they've been together for what almost 20 years?
Ever since my childhood, I've lived through it (all the cycles, whether it involves, physical or verbal abuse, infidelity, and etc.) I have all the battle scars you can ever imagine. It's all there, all proofs of triumphs and downfalls. And in every single moment that my life turns upside down again-- like this, it never ceases to pain me that this is the reality, that this is my life.
I know I have no right to question God. Like I said, I've been running away from my responsibilities for being a christian. Maybe, the reason why is that I'm stalling? I'm idling? or I'm making some excuse so that I won't be able to face the truth. The truth of continuing faith despite its challenges, the truth of self that I have to be strong in facing this, the truth of the bible that says what I'm doing is wrong. What makes me so emotional and so at war with myself is in itself my contradiction of feelings. Feelings that says I should hate him in all the horrid ways possible because he deserves it. After all that he did- shouting at people, treating them small, his greed, his disloyalty, his infidelities and betrayals, his lack of being a father (I'm not questioning his able to provide financially. Cause that, he gives us much more than we actually need. but other than that.... nothing more) and his selfishness.
I vowed to myself that I will never ever be like him. But with what I'm feeling and with what has happend, I feel like some effects of it are showing up and maybe I'm starting to evolve to be like him too. :(( No, not the infidelities, or the greed or anything else. But mostly maybe the selfishness. Maybe I'm selfish now. Selfish because the only bad guy here in the family now and who's against everything they're doing is me. Selfish because the only feelings put here on the line is mine and not anybody else's. They're all okay about it now I guess. But for me its so hard, I can't just revert back to normal just. like. that. It takes time, a lot of time actually, to find myself again and to be able to rise above these feelings and problems. I don't know. I feel so selfish always ranting about what I feel. I feel so selfish because I feel like every single time I talk about this stupid issue (The cycle, the contradiction of my feelings, my hiatus with God), I'm depriving people of their right- right to be happy. I don't want anyone to be affected with what I'm feeling really. I don't want anyone to be deprived of their own peace. This is why usually I always keep things to myself. But that didn't end up so good last time. So now, I'm trying my best to open up. And this is one way of opening up, blogging, writing and etc. It's so hard to boil up what you're feeling inside when on the contrary you're not even exactly sure where your feelings are going at the moment.
The feeling of searching, the feeling of wandering is all bottled up inside. The feeling of why's is caving in to me. Like, really. Why, why does this all have to happen again?
In the end, I just really truly just want peace. A friend of mine said that maybe at this point, I have to make peace with myself. Then I realized, yeah. maybe that is it. But how?
Accepting isn't that easy. Just because I'm having a really tough time accepting that this has to happen again. This is my life and I have to deal with it. Sometimes I get the temptations of feeling jealousy-- seeing some other people going through life like the roadblocks and dead ends never exist at all. Maybe their just good at concealing it. I don't know. But they just all look so problem-less. The reason why its so hard for me to accept the truth is that, this has happend not only once, twice thrice-- but more than that. And every single time, I feel crushed that it was all pretend--that it was all only temporary. How would you have the courage and sincerity to forgive someone who constantly hurt you? And every time I think about this question, I remember Jesus. How could he do it? We hurt him so many times every single day and yet in His eyes, we're still worthy, we're still His children, we still have hope. We continue to hurt him through our doings and yet He still gives enough grace for us, enough mercy, enough love.
It's just so hard. I'm so so sorry, God. :(
I don't want to fall right of the edge of this cliff. I'm seeking and taking refuge to your word once again
So at the end of it all and at the end of the day, it all boils down to our inner battle- a fight between what's wrong and what's right. The hardest part of it all is not the process of struggling and fighting. But rather it's what make out of it and the decision we have to make after that wounding battle. If we choose to overcome and triumph over it or to sulk in our downfalls, to be the conquerors of our battles or to be conquered in it, to emerge as victors or to be the victims of it.
Romans 5:1-11
Peace and Hope
Romans 8:18-39
Every single day I wake up, I'm in an endless fight in a battlefield.
And honestly, I feel so tired. I never felt this way before. Tired of everything really. Spiritually, I think I'm caving into my decision from running from God-- which is wrong. I'm like Jonah, yes the guy from the bible. :) (Jonah 1:1-16, Jonah 2:1-10). Why, because I don't know really. I feel lost, scared and hopeless. Which is why EXACTLY a senseless person like me is ebbing away to that little world of nothingness. I hate feeling depressed. I hate feeling deprived of all the things I should be doing, should be feeling just because their fight this time affected me so much more. I hate sulking, whining (do i? :( ), and just feeling darn sad all the time. Though I really try not to show any of these pessimistic and depressing feelings at school or any where else for the matter, it still just gets harder by the time I go home. It's like when I go home, and see him, my feelings just get a thousand times magnified, feelings of shame, disgust and bitterness. I feel betrayed and cheated upon. I felt like when I put my heart on the line again, forgave my dad for what he did before, and gave him another chance to change was just taken for granted. For almost 2 years, I have struggled to find myself again. After the last fight last 2009, he knelt before me and my brothers to be a better person, husband and most of all father. But did he really?
I live a life full of cycles. And the thing is the disease never stops. They argue, they fight, mom cries, mom goes to me ranting and crying, I go @-) and put up a front that oh that's okay.. this is just one of his crazy episodes.. wanna move out now?, she goes nah, we still have to think about our financial state if we can survive, blahblahblah fast forward, and then they get back together again, apologizing, then comes the promises that he will be better, won't do it again,... after a few months, we're back from the start, and the stupid cycle repeats itself yet again.
When will it ever stop?
I'm nineteen.
Which means that they've been together for what almost 20 years?
Ever since my childhood, I've lived through it (all the cycles, whether it involves, physical or verbal abuse, infidelity, and etc.) I have all the battle scars you can ever imagine. It's all there, all proofs of triumphs and downfalls. And in every single moment that my life turns upside down again-- like this, it never ceases to pain me that this is the reality, that this is my life.
I know I have no right to question God. Like I said, I've been running away from my responsibilities for being a christian. Maybe, the reason why is that I'm stalling? I'm idling? or I'm making some excuse so that I won't be able to face the truth. The truth of continuing faith despite its challenges, the truth of self that I have to be strong in facing this, the truth of the bible that says what I'm doing is wrong. What makes me so emotional and so at war with myself is in itself my contradiction of feelings. Feelings that says I should hate him in all the horrid ways possible because he deserves it. After all that he did- shouting at people, treating them small, his greed, his disloyalty, his infidelities and betrayals, his lack of being a father (I'm not questioning his able to provide financially. Cause that, he gives us much more than we actually need. but other than that.... nothing more) and his selfishness.
I vowed to myself that I will never ever be like him. But with what I'm feeling and with what has happend, I feel like some effects of it are showing up and maybe I'm starting to evolve to be like him too. :(( No, not the infidelities, or the greed or anything else. But mostly maybe the selfishness. Maybe I'm selfish now. Selfish because the only bad guy here in the family now and who's against everything they're doing is me. Selfish because the only feelings put here on the line is mine and not anybody else's. They're all okay about it now I guess. But for me its so hard, I can't just revert back to normal just. like. that. It takes time, a lot of time actually, to find myself again and to be able to rise above these feelings and problems. I don't know. I feel so selfish always ranting about what I feel. I feel so selfish because I feel like every single time I talk about this stupid issue (The cycle, the contradiction of my feelings, my hiatus with God), I'm depriving people of their right- right to be happy. I don't want anyone to be affected with what I'm feeling really. I don't want anyone to be deprived of their own peace. This is why usually I always keep things to myself. But that didn't end up so good last time. So now, I'm trying my best to open up. And this is one way of opening up, blogging, writing and etc. It's so hard to boil up what you're feeling inside when on the contrary you're not even exactly sure where your feelings are going at the moment.
The feeling of searching, the feeling of wandering is all bottled up inside. The feeling of why's is caving in to me. Like, really. Why, why does this all have to happen again?
In the end, I just really truly just want peace. A friend of mine said that maybe at this point, I have to make peace with myself. Then I realized, yeah. maybe that is it. But how?
Accepting isn't that easy. Just because I'm having a really tough time accepting that this has to happen again. This is my life and I have to deal with it. Sometimes I get the temptations of feeling jealousy-- seeing some other people going through life like the roadblocks and dead ends never exist at all. Maybe their just good at concealing it. I don't know. But they just all look so problem-less. The reason why its so hard for me to accept the truth is that, this has happend not only once, twice thrice-- but more than that. And every single time, I feel crushed that it was all pretend--that it was all only temporary. How would you have the courage and sincerity to forgive someone who constantly hurt you? And every time I think about this question, I remember Jesus. How could he do it? We hurt him so many times every single day and yet in His eyes, we're still worthy, we're still His children, we still have hope. We continue to hurt him through our doings and yet He still gives enough grace for us, enough mercy, enough love.
It's just so hard. I'm so so sorry, God. :(
I don't want to fall right of the edge of this cliff. I'm seeking and taking refuge to your word once again
So at the end of it all and at the end of the day, it all boils down to our inner battle- a fight between what's wrong and what's right. The hardest part of it all is not the process of struggling and fighting. But rather it's what make out of it and the decision we have to make after that wounding battle. If we choose to overcome and triumph over it or to sulk in our downfalls, to be the conquerors of our battles or to be conquered in it, to emerge as victors or to be the victims of it.
Romans 5:1-11
Peace and Hope
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, wet have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And wet boast in the hope of the glory of God.3 Not only so, but wet also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die.8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him!10 For if, while we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
Romans 8:18-39
Present Suffering and Future Glory
18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope21 thatt the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.23 Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies.24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have?25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whot have been called according to his purpose.29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
More Than Conquerors
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies.34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?36 As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."t
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."t
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,t neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Closer to the Edge
Yesterday, I was listening to half of the message at church- online.
AND GUESS WHAT THE TOPIC IS!
It's about mastering your emotions regarding anger.
The message hasn't even started yet and I found myself crying.
Crying because after all that has been happening to me and my family these few weeks, I felt compelled by God to go back to Him. Because honestly, I stopped praying-- The kind of prayers that is sincere, the kind that sings of my sorrows and joy, the type of prayer He truly deserves. Having said that, I think my source of faith is depleting. Now, with us back at home and my mom and dad trying to resolve their issues together, I appear as the bad guy. For almost a week, I have given my dad the silent and cold treatment. And now I feel the inner conflict of self growing on me. I believe I have the right to get mad, to hate and loathe him, and spat all the kinds of curse and bad words at him. But at the end of it all, it all boils down to morality and faith. I've always thought how Christ really did it.
I know, I'm just human. I'm no God, I 'm no superwoman, I have no supernatural powers-- I'am just me. Maybe I haven't grown up to that level of spiritual maturity yet. Maybe I haven't received the ultimate enlightenment of all time (if that's what you may call it). But that does not mean I couldn't at least try. And believe me, I am. I'm really trying to forget, to forgive and to give my trust away again. But here's exactly the point where it gets hard. The fact that I'm going to go through it all over again, stepping into the hullabaloo of the cycle and giving a part of myself away again hurts me. I feel stupid continuing a cycle that does not benefit me in any way--instead it only gives me pain and sorrow. How would you really forgive someone who slashed out your heart so many times? How would you fully trust someone who only takes your trust for granted?
So now, I can honestly say I'm going back to the heart of worship.
I don't know what exactly His plan for my family, but I'm sure all is at his will.
All I ask for is the courage and strength for my family to be able to go through with this.
I want to be turned inside out.
I want to break free.
I want it to end.
AND GUESS WHAT THE TOPIC IS!
It's about mastering your emotions regarding anger.
The message hasn't even started yet and I found myself crying.
Crying because after all that has been happening to me and my family these few weeks, I felt compelled by God to go back to Him. Because honestly, I stopped praying-- The kind of prayers that is sincere, the kind that sings of my sorrows and joy, the type of prayer He truly deserves. Having said that, I think my source of faith is depleting. Now, with us back at home and my mom and dad trying to resolve their issues together, I appear as the bad guy. For almost a week, I have given my dad the silent and cold treatment. And now I feel the inner conflict of self growing on me. I believe I have the right to get mad, to hate and loathe him, and spat all the kinds of curse and bad words at him. But at the end of it all, it all boils down to morality and faith. I've always thought how Christ really did it.
I know, I'm just human. I'm no God, I 'm no superwoman, I have no supernatural powers-- I'am just me. Maybe I haven't grown up to that level of spiritual maturity yet. Maybe I haven't received the ultimate enlightenment of all time (if that's what you may call it). But that does not mean I couldn't at least try. And believe me, I am. I'm really trying to forget, to forgive and to give my trust away again. But here's exactly the point where it gets hard. The fact that I'm going to go through it all over again, stepping into the hullabaloo of the cycle and giving a part of myself away again hurts me. I feel stupid continuing a cycle that does not benefit me in any way--instead it only gives me pain and sorrow. How would you really forgive someone who slashed out your heart so many times? How would you fully trust someone who only takes your trust for granted?
So now, I can honestly say I'm going back to the heart of worship.
I don't know what exactly His plan for my family, but I'm sure all is at his will.
All I ask for is the courage and strength for my family to be able to go through with this.
I want to be turned inside out.
I want to break free.
I want it to end.
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