THANK you GOD.
Thank you EAT.PRAY.LOVE.
Thank you Elizabeth Gilbert.
Thank you Julia Roberts.
"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
I feel so free now. After months and yep months of experiencing some conflicted feelings, i finally was able to let go of it and I'M HAPPY.
Yesterday while watching eat, pray, love, i had an epiphany. I wondered why I'm spending some of my time thinking about that thought (or perhaps in the context of feeling if ever there was) over and over again.
Some months and months ago, God blessed me to have this wonderful friend. I was indeed happy that we did share a lot of commonalities, interests and dreams. I could tell and rant about everything and anything to that person. We would talk everyday and i guess got to know each other well enough. I never did thought of any possibility that perhaps there could be more than what we had because i was already happy of what we had, friendship. And I do value that. But after months of talking, there was a confession. It was awkward for me at first but i was glad that things got back to normal nevertheless. I think too he tried to make it not as awkward as possible and i'm thankful for that. :)
There was this point though, when we stopped communicating. And i thought to myself, well it's okay, i absolutely have no problem with that. But then again, i had this feeling deep in my gut that i miss it, the communication. You see, when someone talks to you everyday without a miss, it becomes your everyday routine or habit. So, i asked myself WHY i miss it, is there any reason besides that it is already a part of my day, like if i had some feelings or something. But as always, i just shrug my shoulders and say i don't think so. Maybe i just don't want to accept the truth that there COULD be (again I'm not saying there is, but there is a possibility). And just like that, I was conflicted if there exists something more. I can't completely say if i do or do not have feelings because all i know is that i don't know. Or maybe i really did have? HMM. HAHAA. sigh.
In the movie, when Gilbert's Brazilian lover asked her if she loves or does not love him, and she just said that she doesn't know. AND AHA. I can sympathize with her. (though, in my case it didn't reach that level yet haha, i'm just figuring it out first). It's all mere confusion.SOOOOO that leads me now to my epiphany.
I slept at 2am last night thinking it over, and asking God if i really did made up my mind. And I'm glad He answered my prayers. Because now, it is all completely clear and I'm finally a freed captive of my conflicted feelings.
I realized that i did not have any of those feelings after all. I do not want to be part of the world he surrounds himself with. After thinking sometime, we are just too different. So there's no more possibility of crossing over. :) I accepted him for who he is though. And I appreciate it. Though, there are some things he does i don't completely agree on, and that-- i know is wrong. And I still saw past that and hope that there still exists that lasting goodness. Because i really do believe that everyone has that, it just gets tainted because of the demands and pleasures of the world. So in everyone i meet, i always try to see the goodness they have in them. And, that's what exactly i did. I clung to the hope that the innocence and goodness in him overpowered everything else.. that it still prevailed. And so maybe it did.
until lately, he did change. And its sad that i can't anymore try to be open and see past those not so good stuff. Yeah, i know we are all different. And i don't mean to offend anyone at all, its just that i think i pressure myself too much in being too optimistic in hoping that there is something else and more. And like what Elizabeth Gilbert says, she's been a victim of her own optimism. That is exactly what happened to me too. So, YAY I'm not the only one in the world who has this kind of perspective. haha. :)Well, we can't control anybody. And change is acceptable because it's inevitable. But i don't think its an excuse to abandon who you really are as a person. But as hard as it sometimes feel, all we have really is hope. So I'm glad that my heart and mind is already put at rest and I'm happy that somehow despite everything, i still have that valued and respected friendship. :)
And so as for the rest and the next days of my life? I leave it all up to God. He will write me the best love story of my life. So for now, all i'll have to do-- is wait.:)
because miracles DO happen.
♥
