Closer to the Edge

Yesterday, I was listening to half of the message at church- online.
AND GUESS WHAT THE TOPIC IS!


It's about mastering your emotions regarding anger.
The message hasn't even started yet and I found myself crying.


Crying because after all that has been happening to me and my family these few weeks, I felt compelled by God to go back to Him. Because honestly, I stopped praying-- The kind of prayers that is sincere, the kind that sings of my sorrows and joy, the type of prayer He truly deserves. Having said that, I think my source of faith is depleting. Now, with us back at home and my mom and dad trying to resolve their issues together,  I appear as the bad guy. For almost a week, I have given my dad the silent and cold treatment. And now I feel the inner conflict of self growing on me. I believe I have the right to get mad, to hate and loathe him, and spat all the kinds of curse and bad words at him. But at the end of it all, it all boils down to morality and faith. I've always thought how Christ really did it.


I know, I'm just human. I'm no God, I 'm no superwoman, I have no supernatural powers-- I'am just me. Maybe I haven't grown up to that level of spiritual maturity yet. Maybe I haven't received the ultimate enlightenment of all time (if that's what you may call it). But that does not mean I couldn't at least try. And believe me, I am. I'm really trying to forget, to forgive and to give my trust away again. But here's exactly the point where it gets hard. The fact that I'm going to go through it all over again, stepping into the hullabaloo of the cycle and giving a part of myself away again hurts me. I feel stupid continuing a cycle that does not benefit me in any way--instead it only gives me pain and sorrow. How would you really forgive someone who slashed out your heart so many times? How would you fully trust someone who only takes your trust for granted?


So now, I can honestly say I'm going back to the heart of worship.
I don't know what exactly His plan for my family, but I'm sure all is at his will.
All I ask for is the courage and strength for my family to be able to go through with this.
I want to be turned inside out.
I want to break free.
I want it to end.